I don't really know what life is all about, but I know it's worth it.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

True Strength

I think the strongest people in the world are
those who can find it in their hearts to forgive others.
Think about it, how hard is it to forgive someone who hurt you?
How hard is it to forgive someone that made you cry?
How hard is it to forgive someone that broke your trust?
I'll answer that,
pretty fucking hard.

I struggle so much to forgive people every day. I'm the type of person that holds a grudge. If I had it my way, I'd hate everyone that hurt me, forever.
Yeah, a lot of people don't deserve to be forgiven. There's only so much shit a person should be allowed to get away with. But if you really think about it,
it's so much easier to hate someone than forgive them.

Forgiving takes courage.
Forgiving is hard.

When you take the time to really  forgive someone,
 it's fucking hard.
You have to go back through that pain, work yourself through it, and accept the fact that it happened. Forgiveness takes hours, days, even years. I think one thing people need to realize is that every thing that happened in their life had purpose. Every heartbreak, every sleepless night, every tear has its purpose. I know one thing, I would never have become as strong as I am today without every person in the world that has ever fucked me over, talked shit about me, or hurt my feelings. They may have thought they won,
 but I'm happy they hurt me.
 Every bad thing that anyone has ever done to me in my past has made me the person that I am today. It gave me the relationship I have today. It gave me the strength to live that I have today.
And even though I am happy, and I've come to realize how important these people were responsible for making me the person I am, and that I love, today, it's still hard for me to find it in my heart to forgive them.
So I really envy anyone out there that has the balls to forgive and come to terms with the people that hurt them in their life, because it's something I struggle with everyday.


Monday, December 5, 2011

My Five Reasons

Last week, I gave an assignment to some of the kids that I mentor.
It was a simple assignment, make me a list of five reasons to smile.
I thought it was going to be a simple, surface responses such as "I get to play my xbox everynight." But I was shocked by the heart felt, well thought through, emotional responses I got back. And then I got called out, because they watch my facebook page and my twitter and my blog. They know that no matter how much I tell them things will get better, that they'll get the people they need in their lives and learn who to let go,

I still struggle.

So this is for them, to show them that I can practice what I preach, that I'm not scared to let people know my shit anymore, and that even though things are hard sometimes for me, for every one bad thing that happens in my life,

I have five reasons to smile.


I'm alive. And I shouldn't be. Only the Lord knows how many nights I spent thinking of ways not to be. I've done so many things I'm not proud of, but one thing I am proud of is that I made it.


I have a newfound relationship with the Lord. Without Jesus Christ, I'd be a lost cause. His word is the most comforting thing in the world to me. I find my strength through him when I'm at my weakest.


I'm happy with myself. Yeah, I have days where I struggle with my body. Somedays I want to lose weight, somedays I want to gain weight. Somedays I love being super tall, somedays it's a pain in my ass. But the truth is, that I would never change my body. I love it, and it's what sets me apart from everyone else.


I'm smart. Lol everyone's gonna be like "Oh my gosh Kelsey is like sooo conceited." No. No. Shut the fuck up & listen. Through all the tears, sleepless nights, cuts, and fear I've endured, I've learned. I know how to spot a fake friend from miles away. I know who to trust and who not to nowadays, or so I think I do. I know now that it is better to have no friends than fake friends. I know now not to let people take me for granted because when it comes down to it, I'm a good person. I know now not to let any man push me around and belittle me. I know now exactly what I deserve, and I will never again settle for less than I deserve.


I have the perfect relationship. I absolutely, 100%, no doubt love my boyfriend. We laugh together. We (totally just me, but he's there when it happens) cry together. I never in my life could have imagined finding someone I have so much in common with. We have the exact same sense of humor. As he knows, I wouldn't be here today without him. He honestly saved my life. Looking back eight months ago, If someone would've told me I would be alive to see December 2011, I would've told them they're an idiot. I never thought I would come out of my depression. I thought my life was done. But little did I know, it's just starting. :)
I love you Isaac Matthew.

"I've got someone who loves me more than words can say & I'm thankful for that each and every day. & when I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face. Still, it's hard to find faith.."

Monday, November 21, 2011

Finding faith.

Trying to find faith tonight has been the hardest it has in months.

"Stay strong now, because things will get better.
It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."

Psalms 62:7 God is my salvation and my glory:
the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

 Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
 He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I'm happy, so stfu.


if you don't like my fucking boyfriend.
Chances are, I don't fucking like you.

"He changed you durrrdurrrrrr I'm a dumb skank"

Lol sorry you're jealous that I'm actually hanging out with someone who makes me happy. Maybe if you weren't a piece of shit friend, I would hang out with you. I've never ditched anyone for Isaac, ever. Sorry that we sometimes make plans the previous day before, and I'm not gonna ditch him, just like I don't ditch anyone else.
If you have an opinion about my relationship,
do yourself a favor,
and shove it up your ass.
Because I honestly could not care less what you have to say.
And I'll rip you a new ass hole if you wanna whine about it because
I guarentee
you haven't made an attempt to hangout with me in the last two months, other wise we would have hung out.

If you "miss me" so damn much, you could possibly trying talking to me,
 Instead of talking about me.

Lol @ pissy blogs & annoying fake friends.

I love my boyfriend. :)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The past

The past is such an evil thing.

It threatens and even ruins the future.

Life would be so much easier, if the past was more easily forgotten.
Life would be so much easier, if people would forgive their pasts.
Life would be so much easier, if people lived in the present, instead of the past.

Yesterday is yesterday.
Last week is last week.
Last year is last year.
Today is today.

I feel like everyone needs to get that clear. Nothing that happens in the past, should effect your happiness today, because that's exactly what it is: the past.
It happened, it's over. So lie your head down, and let it be. Because no effort will ever change it.
I've been crying for like two hours, because the past is threatening my future. And it shouldn't be.
It's amazing how much past experiences can scare someone. It terrifies a person to the point they push away happiness in the present, for fear that it will only repeat past unhappy experiences. Because something good has turned bad in the the past, many people think it will continue in the same pattern in the future,
which is not true.
I've worked so hard to let my past go and accept it, and I wish others in my life would to.

"Forgiveness is such a simple word,
but it's so hard to do when you've been hurt."


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Fake Friends

"I would rather have no friends,
than fake friends."

I cannot express effectively how fucking sick I am of having fake friends.
I do the best I can to stick up for my friends, no matter what. It's absolutely irritating, watching someone I stick up for,have no backbone to stick up for themselves. It's like honestly, if someone fucked you over, why are you now bestfriends?
Everyone complains about people not being real, when really, they're fake themselves. I don't understand why people let others walk all over them, but then have the nerve to complain about it. So, I'm done sticking up for people who don't stick up for themselves, because it is honestly a waste of my time.
So here I am, on a Saturday night,
watching television
eating cheez-it's.

But hey, at least I'm not out, with people who talk shit about me, don't appreciate me, and use me like most of my friends are.
So like I said, I'd rather have NO friends than FAKE friends.

Because I have a backbone and self respect.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I know, I'm skinny.

I'm not anoerxic.
I've heard it since I was little.

I'm too skinny. I need to start eating more. I look gross.

And to that, I'd like to say
Shut up, you don't know me.
When I was younger, hearing about how skinny I was and how gross I look hurt me.
I struggled with body issues because of it. I used to eat and eat and eat, so much so until I'd stuff myself so full that I'd vomit.
 Until one day I realized, people weren't making fun of me for being skinny. Their was absolutely nothing wrong with me being skinny, people were making fun of me because they were jealous. I was hated, because I was skinnier than everyone else, and they hated it.
It's amazing looking back now, seventeen, and seeing that.
I love my body, and I don't care what anyone else has to say about it, because while you're calling me disgusting and secretly worrying about your own weight,
I'm loving my body, the same way I wish everyone else would their own.
I've come to learn that it doesn't matter what other people think about you're body,
it's about what you think about your body.
I wish people would see that instead of bashing other people's bodies, they need to worrry about their own. I pray for everyone who has body issues, because I think every body size is beautiful, and it's horrifying seeing the amount of girls who don't think they're beautiful.

So this is to say basically,
I don't care what you think about my body.
I think it's beautiful and it's exactly what God gave me,
so I do not give a fuck what you have to say about it.
Stop hate. Spread love.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

My Motive

Many people have opinions about the way I'm reaching out to help others struggling with depression, self harm, etc.
A lot of people really appreciate hearing about how I'm changing my life by attempting a more positive attitude and doing my best to help others, while others see my ideals of how to connect with others whom are suffering and to share my journey through my suffering and healing as a
 plea for attention.
So basically, I'm writing this to say that I am not hurt by your viewpoint on publicising my journey through this rough patch in my life. If anything, you're making my will to keep up what I am doing stronger. Like I've read on many of your facebook statuses..

"If you have haters, you're doing something right."

So keep criticizing me, because I'm doing what I feel is God's will for me to do. So if you don't like or don't agree with my motives, that's fine. You can hate me,
but you cannot break me.

How to Save a Life


This song describes perfectly how I spent my life last night. Sleepless, I may be, but my heart is at rest, knowing I helped someone else who was struggling rest their head peacefully.

"And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life"

Lastnight, I can honestly say, was one of the best nights of my life. I started online mentoring kids of about middle school age about a week ago, and I decided that I would offer my help as a 24/7 option. It's going to be a struggle, that I learned last night. I recieved call after call on video chat from kids who honestly needed someone. Someone they could trust. Someone to make the pain go away, just for a few moments so they could rest their heads and fall asleep, and to my surprise, that someone was me.
I could never explain the feeling that engulfed my body after each call ended. Knowing that I may have just saved someone's life.
As a teen struggling with depression and suicide myself, I knew my decision to help these kids was the thing I needed to do to make my own life worth living. From experience, I know the impact of someone willing to help and to care for you through all the hard times in a person's life. The urgency in the kid's voices I talked to last night, showed me how meaningful I was, and I'm pretty sure I found my purpose in life. 

So I guess this post is just for me to say,
we all know how to save a life.
But my quesiton is, how many of you

are willing to save a life?